Fishing For A Friend

There seems to be an anatomy of affairs. Sadly, I have studied it more than once and here it is again:

The beginning
He's positive, things look promising, it's new and easy, he's focused on the new friendship, presents, checking the Blackberry all the time, enjoying the little emails that are coming in but when I enter the room he switches to the homepage and studies it as if fascinated. He's going to "work" on Sunday because he's "up to his eyeballs with deadlines" and on Saturday there's "a game of footy in Poole with a mate". Poole is not exactly famous for footy watching and I know of no mate in Poole.

Me: wondering why he is cheerful, generous, talkative and working so much although running on special energy juice.


Month 2-3 - The Infatuation
He's hopelessly attracted, addicted and always away. Weekends have many away plans, he pops out of the house with the Blackberry, he makes phonecalls at bedtime that are clearly private and not with his boss or male friends - you just don't talk like that to guys. When he's around, he falls asleep on the sofa, is absent-minded, exhausted from "so much work". He has to go to New York for two weeks and when he gets back he's going to Genever from Thursday to Monday morning - straight back in the office - which is an odd choice of days for a business trip.

Me: lying to the youngsters about there being so much work, filling in for the father's absence by being Superwoman, getting quite tired and annoyed. I text him at 9 a.m. London time which is 4 a.m. New York time and the response comes back in seconds.


Crunch Time
Somehow it stopped being easy and fun, perhaps she asked that he leave the woman "who doesn't understand", perhaps she is fed up with hiding and discretion... he's clearly firefighting and negotiating, absent-minded, short-tempered.

Me: I stay out of the firing line, because he's not kind when he's not happy and I really don't deserve being snarled at. Youngsters are beginning to show stress or behavioural challenges. I receive phone calls that are 'silent'.


Last Phase
They are calling it a day, or they break up again and again. Silent phone calls increase with a vengeance, even the youngsters get them, the youngest shouting into the receiver "why do you keep calling and not speaking!!!". He's staring at the walls, looks ill, badly needs a good night's sleep. He can't stand it at home and the other home from home has gone away, so he finds lots of reasons to be out: pub, restaurant meals, catching up with old friends he has not seen for months.

Me: speaking politely to him, ignoring behaviour, pretending not to notice, sometimes finding it quite amusing, astounding, confusing and annoying. Why does he bother?


A few months later
He starts again.

This post was not about love. I have no intention of adding long-term to this relationship that has run its course, although now is not the best moment, so I am keeping cool. This post was made to open up the discussion about affairs and their many angles.

Moving on to legal advice, I have found the CAB (the Citizens' Advice Bureau) surprisingly wonderful. What is free is not always bad. I checked out their advice against a top notch legal firm that charged me £450 for the first hour (a special discount, apparently!) and got the same advice, but spoken in words with more syllables and strictly only focusing on the letter of the law, whilst the advice at the CAB was legal and practical, tactical and sisterly.

Another source of advice is http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php Their advice line is staffed by volunteer lawyers who understand the legal side whilst being able to discuss practicalities, particularly where the law doesn't protect: in situations of cohabitation.

Until you have made the decision to leave a long term relationship I don't think you can begin to understand how very hard it is to leave and when there are children involved its even harder. If you have friends that have been through something similar they are a good source of advice, help and support. Leaving my marriage was the best thing I have ever done, but it was also the hardest. It is always a highly emotionally charged time, and you go through an incredible array of emotions but you will come through it and be stronger, don't be afraid to ask for help and support from those that would be happy to give it. I would never have got through things if it wasn't for the incredible unwavering support of a handful of friends and my family. All the very best mockturtle, it'll have to be a wave as there's no hug icon

Did you spot the article in today’s Times “Is anyone faithful any more”? There are a number of high profile cases of infidelity currently in the press: Dominique Strauss Kahn, Schwarzenegger’s 14 year old love child with a housekeeper and Chris Huhne, to name a few. Superinjunctions are mostly taken out because they preserve the image of a wealthy man who does not want to have his infidelity broadcast.

Durex’s survey is being quoted with an estimate of 20% of adults having extramarital affairs and the article goes on to say that “high status men” are more likely to stray than only 1 in 40 that are in lower social groups. I guess we will always have to rely on estimates, as the nature of the subject is not to broadcast and own up about it. However, 20% means that one in 5 relationships are “crowded” as Princess Diana put it. It is interesting, that the least faithful are those that earn the most, as they can afford the extra cost and entertainment that maintains an affair. It seems that if you want a man just for yourself in an exclusive relationship, you ought to couple up with someone low-earning who works 9 – 5 in your neighbourhood, with no prospect of business trips or off-site meetings. Is it the availability of the opportunity that encourages the infidelity?
It seems so.

I think cheating is cheating however it's done. Naughty texts, messages, phone calls all show the intent anyway.

If you're married and it's not working out you should be brave and do the right thing, walk away. I'm sure that's easier to say than do but the hurt and damage caused by staying and behaving as described above is very hard on the 'innocent' party.

It's a very sad situation. I hope you find a way out!

My brother is currently seeing a married woman. He's 32 and had a girlfriend who had two pre-teen children (not with him) when it started. He ended it with the girlfriend for this married woman but only after he and the girlfriend had moved in together, and I felt so bad for upheaval on those kids!

It seems to me that people having affairs are generally looking for a way to escape/forget their situation, temporarily. It's an alternate reality, but they still want their current one to remain unchanged - a nice little fantasy life on the side with constant excitement and romance. It's all very narcissistic. They like the adoration, the novelty of it, and don't care about who may get hurt. My brother's married woman seems to be rather child-like, despite having a young child and being in her forties. There's much "I love you"s going on but all her actions seem to say otherwise, yet he refuses to see that. It seems to be all promises of grandeur (children with him, he's the love of her life etc.) but no action to back it up, and on occasion the way she treats him and her husband makes me think love is a concept she hasn't quite understood. She seems unable to commit to either of her relationships.

I think she just enjoys the excitement of a fresh relationship and so she calls it off and then starts it back up again for the attention. The husband apparently knows, it's not a big secret, but I don't understand any of them. My brother has ADHD, and though not an excuse, he has a tendency to be more immature than most, but it seems he's found his equals in that department with this woman and her extremely forgiving husband.

I trust my boyfriend wholeheartedly and I would never cheat on him, so the idea of such betrayal goes right through me!

Quote: mockturtle on July 25 2011, 2:20 PM BST

The question posed by Joss is an interesting one and I presume we would all find it hard to agree where unfaithfulness actually begins....

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To my mind an affair/being unfaithful is all about lying. If someone is lying about their activities with another person to their partner that is wrong but there are people out there who manage to have long and happy relationships with each other and who accept small dalliances with other people as ok, as long as it is all agreed and out in the open. In my opinion it is the sneaking around and lying that is the real breach of trust rather than a specific act.

Just my 2p worth.

K

I have always been against affairs. I have seen what it does to people. I can sort of see how someone my cheat by having a one night stand. In this instance, although not right, I can understand, and the person should end their relationship as soon as possible, as it is clear that they cannot love their partner enough.

I really cannot understand affairs. Simply put, if you are not happy in your relationship get out!

I also do not agree that lack of sex in your relationship as an excuse. Due to a variety of issues, me and my wife rarely have sex (although we love each other very much) - but I do not feel the need to go and cheat on her. Yes, I sometimes wonder why we dont have sex more, but I would NEVER cheat on her.